Day 220

I wrote a blog post 20 days into my beginning of self quarantine, discussing how "weird" things were and how I was trying to cope with the change.

I never honestly thought today that I'd still be blogging about quarantining, X(times) 11 of 20 days!

In some ways, I've become numb as Covid has dragged on for so long. In other ways, I simply find myself continuously frustrated with the actions of others.

Back in March, I never thought we would still be in the same situation. I figured at some point this summer, life would return to a semblance of normalcy. Well, I guess this is my new normal for the foreseeable future!

I still have no idea of when I will return to work, and how that will all look.

My partner and I went to an outdoor wedding on Saturday, from a distance. We both got dressed up for the first time in many months. For once, I felt a little "human" during that brief time. The reception was indoors, so we took off at that point. We had brought Hazel with as she needs 24/7 care. She was doing just fine until a person decided to use their scooter (wedding was near a walk/biking path) to come up on the lawn near us. Hazel started barking and, being a bit embarrassed, we quickly walked back to our car for the rest of the ceremony. They said, "oh sorry!", but the damage was already done.

The amount of inconsideration during Covid has really been eye-opening in some ways. I really believe we could be in a much better place (minus a vaccine still needed) if people would have masked up and/or now stop becoming so complacent. Selfishly, it's made those of us with mental health issues in a more dire need of connectedness. It's kind of like a prison within a prison of our heads if you will call.

Here's a funny (or not) short 2 minute video on why people should be wearing masks.

Yesterday, my partner and I had a discussion on processing our feelings with all that's been going on.

One of the promises I made to her was that I was going to find myself a new therapist. So my plan is to work on that this week. I haven't talked to my old one in over a month. I had to cancel my last appointment as I needed to help my parents with things. Unfortunately, while she was a pleasure to talk to, I never truly got any real therapy out of it. We would discuss Covid a lot and other events going on, but never got around to working on "ME". I only keep scheduling them every week or two weeks because my insurance was paying for them. That's on me, I realize. I was being lazy to not switch. I will not be able to use the same company as I have had some major issues with them from money they owe me. Long story short, their billing department (a constant rotating pot of people) billed me originally under my employer insurance. I had told them when my new health insurance was straightened out and then never fixed it.

I'm still waiting for my money back. Hopefully within the next month from what they last told me. So in other words, I'm not on good terms with them!

It's still a lot of work for me to balance my mental health and what I'm trying to achieve as a mental health advocate. It doesn't take much for me to get too drawn in on mental health stuff, while neglecting other areas of my life.

My exercise routine has dwindled the past week. I've chalked it up to the colder weather for cycling, but I know that's no excuse for not finding alternatives. I wish I could go to the gym to begin on my winter regime that I did a really good job of last year, but Covid be damned! I will figure it out though. I've yet to allow myself to fall off the wagon completely in the last 11 years, so I will figure it out. It's just annoying.

The feelings of isolation have been a big issue of contention for me lately. In my afternoon discussion with my partner yesterday, I talked to her about how I felt I had nobody to share my feelings with and vice versa. I told her how I really need to make an effort (when I'm in a better place) to seek out a solid, male friendship. One where I can honestly feel safe to share my thoughts and feelings. One that isn't based ONLY on surface level talking.

How often in life, in whatever social aspect you're actively in, do you ask the question, "How are you doing?" In return you only get the dreaded, "I'm good or I'm fine."

It's an automatic response. If you're a guy, it certainly seems that's about as far as transparency goes. Doesn't feel too human or being connected with others, now does it? At least not for me, I guess. What further is discouraging for me is that my partner will have long conversations with her friends on life.

To those of you who have been following me and don't know me personally, I may should like someone who is only focused on mental health issues.

That's simply not true.

I'm still Ben Romberg, by nature, an easy-going person with a mixture of introvert/extrovert tendencies and so much more. With all this time since Covid and working on advocacy, I've just really come to see how connected or in some cases, disconnected with others I've become.

Another thing that has been bugging me, is a long lull in presentations. I'm actively working to find other avenues to present. There might be a couple things in the works, but not sure yet. One involves a podcast. Maybe that's an avenue I will use in the future myself?

I need the exposure if I'm ever going to get to a point to turn this into an active business. I guess it just takes more time than one thinks to get credibility in one's community.

- Ben