I don't know what to think post?!#&?

A lot has been going through my head lately. A lot!

1. Social media - Since my last post, I have had many online arguments with others and the whole interpretation of what constitutes safe measures for EVERYONE as businesses begin to open again. June 1st is the date here in Minnesota and those whom I disagree with politically have become very vocal that our governor still isn't doing enough. They keep barking, "MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS, MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS." I believe they are misguided with what I consider is a responsibility within those rights. I'm not going to get into the details here, but unless you have been living under a rock the last 2-3 months, you probably know what I'm talking about, whether you agree or disagree on the issue. Now you compound that with the recent issue with the George Floyd murder situation, and there's more fire added to the fuel.

2. My Website/Facebook Page - Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I've noticed quite the decline in people who engage on my page. I post things that I feel would be helpful and I don't get any feedback at all. I literally have to spell it out and ask for a call to action. I get that everyone's overwhelmed right now, but selfishly, that doesn't do much to change my questioning of why I've spent all these hours between the Facebook page and this website. I didn't just do it to make myself feel better. Believe or not, I always am thinking of what would benefit another person, given a certain day or what's going on. When I first started my, what I like to call, "pet project" in building my portfolio , my Facebook page, I would do videos and often post in depth articles on mental health issues. It takes being able to be vulnerable to make videos and because you think that others would benefit from it. I would get little to no feedback on them, besides some family members and the articles were barely viewed. You know what the biggest punch in the gut has been?

I posted an updated video version of sharing my personal story on mental illness and then promoted it (aka I spent $$$!) Last I looked, over 8K people had viewed it or part of it. It's under 10 minutes long. Know how many people even commented on it? None, yes none! It's unbelievable.

I sit here today and really wonder to myself, is everything I do even worth it? Does it really matter? Like I said, I'm not doing this to stroke my own ego. I workout and go cycling for my own personal time, but not for this.

My whole, overriding goal, is to develop a portfolio and credentials, so that I can become a speaker on mental health in the future. If you read my last blog post last week, I mentioned that I was working on becoming a volunteer peer support specialist. Minus a few odds and ends, I got my virtual certificate. I'm happy about that and excited for what the future holds. Now being a peer support specialist isn't about ME, it's about someone who is and continues to actively work on their own mental health journey.

If I'm being honest, right now, I don't feel empowered enough to start being a volunteer peer support specialist. I think I would be doing an injustice to someone I'm trying to support, as I'm having a very difficult time separating my biased thoughts from what's actually going on.

I'm going to be going on a ZOOM follow-up meeting with my NAMI group in 30 minutes from this writing. I'm curious to see how everyone is doing with what we learned and how things are going for them. But I have to be honest, as I don't want to expend their resources until I'm in a better mental place.

Upset isn't a strong enough word to use right now for my opinion of society. It's truly anger! I know I will get through this as I have the immediate support of family and a therapist at the touch of a button.

I have come too far to let COVID destroy all the work I've done to this point. It's just that right now, I'm not the best version of myself, and I don't like that.

-Ben