Nightmares and Fatigue

It's almost midnight and I have a slight headache.

My eyes are starting to really begin to strain, as I stare somewhat mindlessly at the bright light of my phone or laptop screen. It doesn't matter which one it is. The reading of words have become blurry at times.

"You should probably get your eyes checked," my partner says. This isn't the first time she's mentioned it.

How can I blame her? I often now realize I'm partially closing my right eye as I strain to read the screen. I'm going back and forth between Satan's Book (Facebook) and Instagram. Another Covid post about people being idiots and dragging this pandemic on and on. Then I'm watching people do these ridiculous Tik Tok videos on Instagram.

Yes, it's better than reading one more "eye-rolling" article about Covid, but I should really be finding something more productive with my time.

Boredom has set in. It's been like this for awhile now.

Nowhere to go. Weather has cooled down, so cycling outside is limited and days numbered at best.

I find myself extra fatigued after what should have been a decent nights rest.

Why so? Well, increased nightmares!

I feel absolutely trapped in these nightmares for starters. Most of them, from what I can recall, have to do with me being at a former employer, one I haven't stepped foot in in 16 years. But it's not the same. I'm around other people, but I'm having some sort of apparent out of body experience.

I'm not actually working at all. LOL

These nightmares, though, suck!

I wake up extra drowsy and confused of what's going on around me. I lay there for a few minutes, trying to gather WTF moments in my head with reality.

I haven't always had dreams in life. I use to have ones as a child and adolescent, but I recall thinking to myself that I didn't dream anymore as recently as a year or two ago.

Is it my medication? Is it Covid? Is it the heightened stress and anxiety of so many unknowns in my life personally right now?

I don't know.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was a combination of all of them.

When it certainly feels like the majority of your life this year as revolved around sickness and death, along with your depression and anxiety, what can one be left with in having dreams?

It certainly won't be laying on the beaches of Maui!

Covid fatigue is a real thing, folks.

Whether I wake up at 7am or closer to noon, it's like living in Bill Murray's character for the movie, "Groundhog Day".

I make morning or afternoon coffee, get on social media to see what disaster or positivity message someone wrote. Then I ask myself if I have the energy or desire to find a quote for the day to share on both Satan...I mean Facebook and Instagram. Maybe I'll do a short video today. Maybe I'll do a blog post. Maybe I'll just watch Hazel for awhile and try to keep her from boredom.

Maybe I should get my ass on my bike and do an hour spin in the garage.

I wonder what we should have for dinner tonight.

Do I need to check in with my mom? How's her "I'm not dealing with my own mental health" situation going?

I really wish I could have my dad get some support with his Alzheimer's.

Do I need to buy a gun? The election is now just a week away. I just joked (I think?) with someone earlier today about getting a gun when shit hits the fan next week.

There are days I seriously think about just dumping The Upstairs Battle and truly hunkering down until a vaccine is in circulation.

I feel like so many people are just not "present" anymore and now's not the time to work on promoting mental health. Then I keep reminding myself why I started in the first place. Besides dealing with family issues, I really don't have anything else to focus on.

I feel trapped. I want to travel. I just want to go a casino and gamble. I actually had a very good thing happen to me back in January. I hit a jackpot out in Vegas and won quite a bit of money.

No, I can't retire and I wouldn't, even if that could be a choice.

After seeing my folks become, "those retired people" who comment on everything going on in their neighborhood, I know that's not the life I want for myself.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents and I know they're as bored as we are.

I'm just existing right now. Trying to do something productive with my life.

There's a constant internal fight inside. The part of me that wants to continue to move forward with my advocacy and the part that just wants to go out and LIVE LIFE. Unfortunately, I couldn't live with myself if I did the latter, as it effects more than just me.

But, when that time comes, I'm probably going to go MIA for awhile. I may very well go MIA next week, well from social media that is.

- Ben