• Ben R

Passive-aggressive, Direct, Apathetic? All of the above.

Anybody else get the sense that being transparent with people seems to "trip them up" more often than not? I continue to have a growing urge to be forthcoming with people. I'm realizing that I'm not always the most tactful in the way I express it though. Lately, I've been complaining more to others in my life about a variety of things and I don't like that that has become my default setting. I have always been extremely hard on myself. Lately, even exercise doesn't seem to be helping as much to alleviate the stress levels.

Sensing that others have more control on things doesn't make me feel good either. I know at the end of the day, only I can control how I think or react to things. That's my one power I have. I do feel I have more to give...at times, but I am kind of emotionally and physically burnt out.

I have a need/desire (maybe warranted?) to accomplish something that gives me recognition. I need that "feel good feelling" without drugs or alcholo. Something I did that made things better. Yet, I feel like I always end up putting myself in a position to not have as much say. I don't like, nor appreciate the power struggles of whatever organization I am a part of. I've been a loner for much of my life. Are people biased or hateful against men, particularly white men? I know my gender has done a lot of shitty things, but I'm trying to be the opposite.

There has been this growing concept in my mind, that while most of us can get along for a bit; we may be too contrast in values, goals, and needs to co-exist as much as society tries to impose on us.

I miss having a social life outside of work. Do I think people have made choices that might come to bit them in the ass at some point? Definitely.

But at the end of the day, I only have control over what I choose and choose not to do.

It's a shit show anyway...





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