Worn out

So much is playing inside my head right now.

I feel weak and more forgetful than normal.

Most of the time, when I try to do something helpful, I end up just making it worse.

I'm alone inside my head...angry at the world; at myself.

I can't trust anyone.

So called leaders refuse to do what's right for the greater good.

The word "pussies" keeps entering my thoughts.

Why do the many of us who have sacrificed and continue to sacrifice our families, friendships, work, and social lives have to be at the mercy of ignorant fucks?

Who's the dumber side right now?

Hmm?

Why is it people that do direct care work seem to have the least say in outcomes of working with patients?

We are NOT the same. We were NEVER meant to "all work together." We need to put away this American obsession with being forced together.

That's not to say we shouldn't respect each other. But let's get something straight.

As long as a person's personal beliefs don't NEGATIVELY effect the greater good, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

I feel stuck.

I feel as if I will never ben able to have a social life, especially in the winter time.

Time is limited. We only have so much.

At what point do I say, fuck it?

I so badly want to, but I can't.

I have my health. I have a responsibility to others whom are important and loved in my life, no matter if they drive me crazy sometimes.

I want to be selfish.

The thought of just doing right now what brings me happiness would be best.

I'm worn out. The thought of going back to work today after 4 days off, trying to nurse an annoying cold. After having missed a week of work about 3 weeks ago do to having to quarantine. I've missed a lot of work. A lot by my standards.

It's not been fun. Not at all, minus some puppy entertainment.

I'm trying to have an attitude of gratitude!

How can I serve people, who are going through their own crisis', when I can't seem to get my shit together?

What good am I to them?

In a dream world, they would be like, "Oh Ben, tell me about your depression, your anxiety, you wanting to strangle lawmakers for continually letting people down?"

Side note: I don't condone violence. My last part is my overall frustration with local/state/national government.

People don't come to a crisis center to help the staff. We are expected to be there for them.

But we are still human and some of us have chronic mental illnesses.

I just really want to live for myself only.

Focus on getting the help I need to navigate the part of my misery that I KNOW ISN'T the result of having a chronic mental illness.

Focus on finding the right people that can help me, and more importantly, can see and ACT with me to build a storytelling platform to showcase that people with chronic mental illnesses are capable of living healthy, successful lives.

Whether it's in your head or right in front of you, people only act when they can see (picture themselves) benefitting.

It's never going to change.

I want to focus on prioritizing enjoyment in my life.

My life at 41 is different from a number of people my age. I don't have kids. I'm mostly OK with that. For many reasons, it doesn't work for my partner and I. Thankfully, people don't usually continue to broach the subject after they inquire. A big part of me doesn't want to bring a child into this fucked up world. I'm tired of hearing, "Our kids are our future."

So what are you? Just a baby carrier or sperm donator?

So yeah...there's a lot going on inside my head right now.

I just hope I don't have a complete mental breakdown before I get shit straightened out.